Self Integrity & Keeping Promises to Yourself
“We need to watch the language that you’re using because not only can we be really, really hard on ourselves, but if we’re throwing something out into the universe, and then we’re using words like ‘try’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘might’, we are basically telling the universe that we’re not actually too sure about that.”
Today is all about the words we use on a daily basis, and how they hold so much power. The biggest word I talk about is the word “try”, and it is one word that I, myself, am making a conscious effort daily to try and remove from my vocabulary. If you are using the word ‘try’, you are subtly implying to yourself that there’s a good chance that you’re not going to do it. As much as you might have good intentions, you are probably not going to actually be able to accomplish whatever it is that you’re setting out to do. It’s time to stop being so hard on yourself, or speaking about your dreams as if they are just that.
So, we’re going to chat a bit about:
- Being conscious of the words we use when in conversation, writing in our journals/blogs, etc, or speaking to ourselves.
- The actual importance of that old saying your mom used to use, “Be careful what you wish for!”
- Keeping promises to ourselves and doing the things we said we were going to do!
- How this all affects our self integrity, self trust, and just our overall daily experiences.
Also, don’t forget that the Speak your Truth Academy doors are now OPEN! This is going to be an amazing 12 week long journey with myself and 11 other women (Sorry guys!) where we dig deep into your story. What your story is, how to tell it, how to share it, and how you can build your entire business around it. You can find the link below in the show notes to jump over, and get in now.
Are you ready? Get listening right away by clicking the link above, or if you’re more in the mood to read today keep scrolling for the full transcription of today’s episode! Let’s do this!
Look for references from today’s episodes? Find them all here:
Speak Your Truth Academy is Now Open
Chris Harder – For the Love of Money Podcast – Episode 343: How To Accomplish Extraordinary Things – With Steve Sims
Hey, welcome back to the Room to Grow podcast, Emily here and today we’re going to be talking a little bit about why the language that you use matters. This applies to both written form and to the way that we speak. We’re going to be talking about how some of the words that we use can end up having a negative impact on us on a really basic level that we wouldn’t even realize and the subconscious associations that we can have with certain words and how that can actually hurt us more. We’re working towards bigger goals to change our mindset about, which is really important. This is something that is a work in progress for me, but it’s something that I’ve really started to pick up on and notice in the last couple of years. Making some of these changes has had an incredible impact on the way that I show up for myself as well as for other people. We’re going to dig into that more because it’s a super juicy one, but first, I just want to remind you that the Speak your Truth Academy doors are open! This is going to be a really, really cool coaching program that I put together, it is 12 weeks long and you’ll be working super closely with the people inside. All female entrepreneurs for this one, sorry, guys! We’re going to be doing a deep dive into your story, getting super clear on your story, clarifying your message and building your entire business around your story. One thing that I have learned in business in the last few years is that there is nothing more powerful than your own story. You absolutely have a story. You have a story to share, you have a message that somebody needs to hear to help them move forward in their own life. You have a responsibility to come forward with that, and you are absolutely allowed to leverage that to build an incredible business to have an even greater impact. So that’s what we’re going to be getting super clear on and I’m so excited about this. This has been in the works for a while and I’m really, really pumped to dive into that. You can jump over to the show notes over at roomtogrowpodcast.com, or just go straight over to speakyourtruthacademy.com and all the details will be over there.
Okay, so let’s get into this a little bit. This one is this whole situation around the language that we use. What I mean by that, one of the ones that always comes to mind for me first when I’m thinking about this is using the word ‘try’. To me, if you are using the word try, you are subtly implying to yourself that there’s a good chance that you’re not going to do it. As much as you might have good intentions, you are probably not going to actually be able to accomplish whatever it is that you’re setting out to do. I listened to a podcast recently with Chris Harder and a guest. I can’t remember the guests name, I’ll reference it in the shownotes. This guest was talking about how he’s basically a high end concierge, shall we say? He’s ended up having people married by the Pope and like shutting down one of the biggest museums in Florence, Italy to have a private dinner for six and it just all of these crazy crazy things and basically, the entire point of the podcast on the episode was that he was talking about how we often don’t even aim high enough. We don’t even ask for certain things because we just automatically talk ourselves out of them, as soon as those ideas even come into our heads. So we’ll think of something that might seem so outlandish and out there that we immediately then switch into the mode of, ‘okay, but how would that actually happen? How is that even possible? No one else has accomplished that there are so few people that have accomplished that, why would I be the person to do it’, and we immediately talk ourselves out of it immediately. Then we end up not even asking for things that could actually be incredibly possible, but we’ve just already made the assumption or shut that door on ourselves to ever even have the chance to get there and similarly when we use the word try.
I try, am I just negating everything I just said, I am making an effort, let’s put it that way, making an effort to not use words like that, that subtly implies something other than what I am trying to accomplish or to get my message across. When I say that I’m going to do something, I want to be someone who actually does it. I want to be someone who has the integrity to say that they’re going to do something and then they actually follow through. That’s something that I’ve been working on more and more because this is also a really big factor in relation to self integrity, and self trust, more importantly. I think a lot of us have a long way to go when it comes to self trust, but the only way that you’re ever going to be able to get to those big dreams is to trust yourself enough to take the leap and know that you will figure it out on the way down. The only way that I’ve gotten anywhere in life is by trusting myself, and if you’re somebody who’s struggling with self trust, and a lot of us are, I’m raising my hand over here because I am very much a work in progress. I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go when it comes to self trust. When it comes to self trust, something that we have to remember is to look back at how far we’ve come. We so often forget to take a look back because we’re so busy looking ahead or thinking about all the things that we haven’t accomplished, that we forget how many things we’ve overcome, to get to where we are right now in this present moment.
I want you to take a moment to look back and when you start to realize that you go ‘Holy shit, like I actually made it through that’. There are people who are in awe of you in all of your stories, and there are people who would love to be in your shoes, and to have what you have. The only way that you’ve gotten to where you are is by trusting yourself enough to figure shit out, and that is how you’ve gotten to where you are. When we’re looking ahead to the future, rather than using words like try, if you’re going to do something, do it. You can start small with this. This is something I’ve put into practice over years, especially the last couple of years, is when I’m feeling like I’m really doubting myself, I’m really struggling in that area. I will start with really small promises, something that are really, really simple things that are going to be relatively easy to accomplish but it gives you that when it gives you that win under your belt that you need to give you enough confidence to get to the next level, and then the next, and then it just continues to snowball. I heard Catherine of Manifestation Babe talking about this on a podcast the other day about the whole idea around self integrity. A little brain hack that she does is that she will basically tell herself, ‘I’m going to go take a shower’, for example, as she’s on the way to the shower. So she starts to reinforce these really little things. ‘I’m going to make lunch’ was another example that she gave, as she’s already making herself lunch. Then that turns into, ‘I’m going to go work out’, and then you actually go work out, or ‘I’m going to work on my book for 15 minutes’. Great, go work on it for only 15 minutes, and then shut the computer down after 15 minutes. Then at least you can say that you fulfilled the promise to yourself that you said you were going to, as opposed to saying, ‘Hey, I’m going to pump up my entire 200 page novel today’. Probably not going to happen, and then when you don’t fulfill that promise to yourself, you’re breaking your own trust. For you to trust other people, you also have to have that self integrity within you, too. That’s the thing, and I’ve seen this in real time. I have seen this happen with people in my life who were lying all the time, and to themselves to other people. They were lying all the time, and what was most interesting about that, to me, was that they would openly state that. How could they ever trust another human being because they didn’t trust themselves? They knew that they were lying to everybody else, and themselves, essentially. How could they trust that everybody else was doing that to them? They automatically made the assumption that if they were doing it, then everybody else must be doing it right back to them.
This is really important, I really want you to understand this, that when we have self integrity, we can show up for ourselves for the really hard shit, and the language that we use when we’re talking to ourselves, even if you’re writing in a journal, talking to a friend on the phone, or if you’re just talking to yourself under your breath. I am not the only one who does that, I know that for a fact. You need to watch the language that you’re using, because not only can we be really, really hard on ourselves, but if we’re throwing something out into the universe, and then we’re using words like try or maybe or might or whatever, you are basically telling the universe that you’re not actually too sure about that. Is it actually something that you really want to do, or have, or accomplish? The other part of this, that I’m always really careful about is, complaining about work that you have, but that you always wanted? Complaining about anything that you have, but that you always said that you wanted, and rephrasing things to be grateful or something like that. For example, when I have days where I’m really really busy and potentially quite overwhelmed with work, I think to myself, ‘wait, but how fucking lucky am I?’. Especially right now in a time where there’s this whole situation about the pandemic, and there’s so many people and in really intense financial hardship, people who’ve lost their jobs, people who would love to have the problem that I currently have. That was a problem that I practically begged the universe to give me when I was in my corporate job was for my side hustle, my little online side hustle to become big enough for me to be able to quit my job.
I try to be always -See, I told you I’m a work in progress. I’m still using the word try. – I make a conscious effort to catch myself in those moments, when I may be getting quite overwhelmed. I’m on the verge of complaining or, when I’m telling a friend how busy I am or something like that. I tried to switch that language to say how grateful I am for that work, because it is a good problem to have. Sure, you might need to juggle some things, you might need to manage your energy better, you might need to delegate some things, switch some things up so that you aren’t overwhelmed, but it’s still really important to recognize how much gratitude can be in that particular problem that you may be experiencing and changing things around to look at look at these situations through the lens of gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs to just fucking vent sometimes. I am never going to stand here and be that whole positive vibes only bullshit. I have said it on this podcast before, and I will continue to say it. Positive vibes only is not a thing! It is not a thing. It is complete and utter garbage. I will never use that hashtag on Instagram, you will never catch me using that hashtag on Instagram. If someone ever sees that on my account, I have been hacked because I would not use that out. I just don’t even agree with the sentiment, because we wouldn’t recognize good vibes if it wasn’t for the bad ones. Not even bad ones per se, it’s a language thing we’re catching ourselves. It’s not when we’re feeling down or overwhelmed or sad or depressed or upset. None of those things are bad. They aren’t even negative, negative is the meaning that we attach to those things, but they’re not necessarily negative, they’re neutral. We just make them out to be bad or negative, and then that can turn into a complete spiral in and of itself because the language we use matters. When we are constantly referring to certain emotions as bad and other emotions as good, then that ends up translating into a lot of guilt or shame or heaviness, but maybe not feeling like we’re flying high on positive vibes only all the time. Of course, we feel shame around that because if everyone around us is always using this rhetoric of positive vibes only all the time, if we aren’t feeling very positive, we’re gonna think there’s something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with you. You are having a normal human experience if you have a shitty day. Welcome to the human experience. It’s going to fucking happen sometimes. We are all going to have those days, but when we’re also thinking about things, like future thinking and asking for things like how I used to be at my corporate job, begging the universe or something out there to be able to give me what I really wanted, which was, a location independent job, where I worked for myself, and had a thriving business and all of that. When we are thinking about the future, we also need to be very careful about what we wish for. Another wish that I had was to make a certain amount of money by June of 2019. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this story before. I wrote it down for all of 2018 almost every single day in 2018. I wrote down in my journal, and for a good chunk of 2019, actually, I wrote into my journal that I wanted to make a certain dollar value by June of 2019. I wrote it over and over and over and over again. And guess what? I made that money, but you know how that money came. That money came to me in the form of selling my house because my relationship had come crashing down around my head, and I had ended it. After finding out about my partner’s nine years of infidelity, I made that money almost to the day, but that was not how I wanted to make it. My mom used to say this to me years ago, she would say it over and over again. You have to be very careful about what you wish for. It’s kinda like, ‘yeah, yeah, Mom, whatever’, kind of like we all do with our moms, right? Our moms know best, but we like to pretend that they don’t until they get proven right. We’re like, ‘Oh, right. Thanks, Mom’. I’ve been very careful ever since then, and that’s something that I really think about very closely before I write something down or before I speak something out loud, even when I try to consciously think about what it is that I’m putting out there. I try to be very specific about how I want certain things to come through. That isn’t always going to be possible, I mean sometimes we’re going to put things out into the universe and they will come to us but in the wrong way, so called in our minds are just a different package than we wanted or expected them to, and sometimes that can be for the best. That’s part of the journey, but it was just really interesting to me that I wished for something over and over again, and I felt it with every fiber of my being, and I did get it, but in such a painful form, that I wasn’t sure I was going to survive
That entire process was just a nightmare. I want you to start thinking about this more, about having more self integrity, keeping promises to yourself, building self trust, and watching the language that you are using, in your thoughts, in your conversations, in your written words, and in your journaling. Whatever that looks like to be very careful with the language that you’re using and to be careful what you wish for as well. Then the added part about having gratitude for your circumstances too, because I always want you to remember that there is somebody out there who would absolutely love to be in your shoes and to have your problems. Trust me, there is somebody out there who would absolutely love that no matter how low things get, you know, we are still better off than somebody else out there. I don’t want to minimize the pain that you might be experiencing or the hardship that somebody might be going through or anything like that, because that all comes down to comparative suffering, which Brenee Brown talks about a lot and comparative suffering doesn’t serve anyone. No one. If we push down an emotion far enough, because we think ‘oh, well, somebody else is worse off than me’, and we don’t ever allow ourselves to actually feel that emotion. That emotion will come back 10 times stronger, it’s only a matter of time. We need to feel what we’re feeling, we need to go through that to experience it and to really come face to face with it, which can be a really scary experience, but it’s going to help you a lot more in the long run. That sort of short term pain, so called, is worth the long term gain, because if you shove it down, it’s gonna bite you in the ass later. If you try to bypass it, it’s only going to serve to hurt you later on. We can have gratitude for circumstances and whatever it is that we’re experiencing, and we can have perspective. I encourage all of that, but I still don’t want you to ever put yourself in the position of feeling that you should be grateful for something as opposed to just needing to vent because all everything that I’m saying today, all of that aside, sometimes, we still just need to vent, and that’s okay, that’s allowed. That is needed. Sometimes we all just need to blow off some steam.
This is a very multifaceted conversation, and I feel like I’ve touched several areas that I wasn’t even planning on getting into, but I hope that this gives you something to sit with. I would absolutely love it if you could screenshot this episode, if you could share it with somebody who needs to hear it, share it on social media so that we can get more people you know, on onboard and get the message out there that somebody out there really desperately needs in their life right now. If you could tag me on social media, I’m over @EmilyGoughCoach, I would absolutely love to thank you for listening. I’m always so grateful that people tune in every week. It honestly means the world to me and still blows me away. It never fails to excite me when somebody tells me that they listened to my podcast. That will never get old, I am so grateful for your time. I take that so seriously. If you have anything that you want me to cover if you have any questions or anything like that, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to chat with you. Thanks so much for listening. Talk to you next time!
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